Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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