saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
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