Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
