I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
