This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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