P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
