I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
