you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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