I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
