If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
