Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
