at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
