If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
