Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
