Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
