It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
