so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everclear isn't food dammit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
