I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Of course I have a pirate flag
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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