just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Enjoy the penises
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
