LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
