false alarm. still invincible.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The uberlube is also flammable
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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