hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
