Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
