If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
