were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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