im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
