god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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