so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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