can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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