We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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