just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
