Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
