I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My vagina just clenched in fear
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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