Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
