I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
