the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
