I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
