The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
