I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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