He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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