When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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