she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
two words...techno handjob
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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