I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
