Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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