so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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