Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
