Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My balls are so social today.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
