At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
