Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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