Is it normal to miss your booty call?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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